Feeling Free

I've been through a lot the past couple years..mostly in this one. Death, divorce, breakups, constant drama. There were a few dark moments I really didn't see myself finding the light again. Ready to leave this world behind...no matter WHOM I left behind. But as time goes on, I continue to fight through the chaos, and when I least expected it, a little glimmer opened my eyes, took hold of my hand, and is slowly leading me out of this darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was just a normal girl, but she believed in all things of beauty and magic. For her, every day was new; every day was an adventure. She saw beauty in the simplest of things and felt the pull of discovery every day. The world was a glittery mass, resplendent in light and floating in a sea of falling stars.

But one day, darkness came upon the girl. It came in waves, crashing down on her every time she started to get her feet beneath her. She floundered in the upsurge, unable to determine either the direction from which the waves came or the direction toward light. The dark was so vast and overwhelming that she did not think she would ever escape. In truth, there were times when she felt that she was about to be swept out into nothingness, never to be seen nor heard from again.

Until. Until one day when a single star caught her attention. She was so startled by the light that she nearly could not comprehend what it was; for a moment, she lost track of it. Her heart paused in the cage of her chest and she held her breath. Where was it? Where was it?

And then, sweet relief. As her eyes settled once more, and fully, upon the single orb of light in the distant sky, the girl's heart beat and her breath renewed. Beyond that, she felt a twist and loosening of something within her heart and sensed that something binding her soul had been released. She felt buoyant and free--and, as she watched, her skies lit up again.

Movin over...

I started a new blog recently so I'm moving over there. If my lovely followers wouldn't mind hoppin over there and following the new blog, I'd greatly appreciate it!

Love & hugs to my lovely readers! Thanks for the support!

Link is here:
http://lettersfromthejourneyofagirl.blogspot.com/

An open letter...

I just feel the need to write. I can't sleep. I've gone through a lot this year. Well the past four years. It decides to hit me at the worst moments. Like when I'm trying to sleep!

Three years, four months ago I married the sweetest, kindest man on earth. A hasty decision most didn't agree with, since we had only been together for about 3 months. Not even known each other a year. Oh it was exciting! We just KNEW we were perfect together! This was the happiest time in our lives! Nothing could end this bliss!
Three years, two months ago I found my father-in-law dead in our home. That was the day our lives changed forever. Unfortunately, it changed us. As individuals and as a couple. I drew closer to him because he was my husband. My soul mate. My everything. I gave up everything for him. The decision to marry him caused me to lose a lot of friends and people to turn their back on me. But I had HIM, so no one else mattered. He..I don't know where he went. He shut me out. Nothing I did was good enough, or just didn't measure up to his expectations. The abuse began.
Eight months ago we separated. Three years of emotional, mental, & verbal abuse wasn't enough for me to give up. I stuck it through, praying & holding on to what I thought was "happiness", which really was a nightmare. The last straw for me was when he did something utterly STUPID. I'm not going into details, but all I can say is I'm really glad I got away when I had the chance, else I may not be here today. Well, the decision to leave him was a bad one for most people. This is because we are VERY good actors. We don't allow our business or issues in public. We keep it private, behind closed doors. Good and bad. We tried counseling and what not, but obviously it was a lost cause. Our friends and family had NO idea what was really going on in our marriage. To them, we were the ideal couple. But that was all a ruse because we didn't want others in our personal issues. So...when we split...it broke everyone's hearts. And of course they didn't agree with the decision. Since I was the one who left, he seemed like & played the victim. Still does.
Two months ago our divorce was finalized. Again, bad choice. There goes the rest of the friends I had left. So many wanted us to seek other counseling and make it work. I'm sorry, but we tried that and it didn't work. I accepted my wrongs and what I could've done differently. He would not. There are too many irreconcilable differences. It's unfortunate, we can't even be friends, even though we get along much better now than ever. I've been doing GREAT...until I get a phone call from my sister saying that my name is in the paper..under divorces. WOW.

Ok reality, stop slapping me in the face please?!

I've been doing ok. Well...not really. I went to Connecticut for a lil while. I moved actually. What started as a lil vacay with a close friend, turned into a full blown/complicated relationship with a sailor, ended with another broken heart. I'm tattered and torn, but I'm still a person with feelings, hopes, and desires. So, needless to say, I'm back home with the rents...in Fl. Back to where I started three and a half years ago. No job, no car, no income whatsoever, & stressed to the max! I'm overwhelmed with all that's happened and the chaos that goes on around me. I understand others don't always approve of my decisions, but the least they could do is support me. My family at the very least! That's just too much to ask coming from ME I suppose.

I have a new guy, although he isn't really new. We've grown up together, since we were barely out of diapers, pretty much. We recently got back in touch, started hanging out, & one thing led to another. Here we are, two months later. Two individuals, despite unfortunate events, starting over. As people and as a couple. Fighting through life, judgment, & recession. Disregarding the odds. Moving on from the past. Creating an amazing future..together..believing in noone but each other. Because each other is who, all, we have.

Wee bit of Mee

  {one} what time do you normally wake up?Well, considering I don't have a job currently, I don't have a bedtime or wake up time. But about 5-6am I get a little antsy waiting for a good morning text =) I'm usually up right after I hear from mah babeh, no matter when I actually went to sleep.
{two} do you have a go-to song for karaoke?

Don't do karaoke so don't have a song

{three} if you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see?Probably pink. Or red. They're romantic colors and I'm a hopeless romantic.
{four} what color best matches your personality?Probably pink. I'm a softy at heart, but I'm spunky too.
{five} if you could choose one meal to cook better than anyone else, what would it be?Maybe a roast. Growing up, every Sunday after church, my mom &/or grandma would make this amazing roast & delicious sides. When my grandma passed away that tradition unfortunately ended. I would LOVE to start it again & pass it on in my own family. I did make one once and everyone thought it was amazing. Sad thing is, I don't remember all that I did with it. I like to experiment when I cook, and whip things up, and I always forget to write down what exactly I did.
{six} how many keys do you have on your key ring?oh jeez...5 or 6. A few house keys, po box & mail box keys, and a couple I have no clue what they are.
{seven} do you give your pets birthday/christmas gifts?Since I got my cat from a pet store, I don't know her birthday except the month she was born in. But Christmas I may get her a lil something and this year I'm going to make animal treats for the animals. =)
{eight} when your plate has different foods on it, do you mix or not?Oh yes! I love to mix things up. My favorite is corn and mashed potatoes. And hash browns and eggs. But my bacon I eat alone because I enjoy it soooo much. =)
{nine} if you could hire someone to do one thing for you all the time, what would it be?

 I hate to do dishes, but I think I hate sweeping/mopping/vacuuming more.

{ten} when flying, do you prefer the window or aisle seat?WINDOW! I love to look out the window and see the world under me. Plus, I have a slight anxiety and looking out the window helps calm me down. Maybe it's a little claustrophobia? I'm not sure.

Wee bit of Mee

{one} do you collect anything? if so, what and how long have you been collecting? 

Tiggers. Stuffed tiggers. Anything tigger. hehe 
{two} what is one cleaning tip that you swear by?  
I dont' think I have any cleaning tips. I just use whatever is at my disposal, or whatever.
{three} who would you call for bail money?  
Probably my mom. She may not have it, but she will definitely find a way to get it!.
{four} what is one thing you miss about being a kid?  
The innocence. I'm going out on a limb saying this, but it was taken away too soon. I miss the lack of responsibility too. When a kids biggest problem was figuring out which color crayon to use.
{five} name a few of your guilty pleasures.
Starbucks frappes! And chocolate! I can NOT resist any kind of chocolate!
{six} how early do you start your holiday shopping?  
I'm an early starter.
{seven} what is a family tradition that you would like to pass on to your significant other/children?  
Setting up the Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving. And then burning it on New Years! It's a family event.
{eight} what do you consider your greatest achievement?  
So far, just living. Being alive. Overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles.
{nine} what do you do to pamper yourself? 
I take long showers. Lotion freak! I take my time getting ready for things. Do my hair and makeup. It's rare that I do this, but when I do it's like a lil pamper myself time. I dont' have the money to go out and get my hair and nails done and all that brouhaha so I do my own thing for myself.
{ten} if you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?
Something with my name in it, obviously. And maybe something to do with Strawberry because I'm a strawberry everything FREAK! I've joked about starting my own place and having nothing but strawberry flavors and what-not, since I was a little girl. It would be fun to do. Maybe....

Wee bit of Mee-Halloween edition

 

 {one} have you ever seen a ghost?Don't think so. When I was 12, I was helping an aunt move..and I swear I heard a baby laughing and the rocking chair in the room...was moving. It's a long story.
{two} when was the last time you dressed up for halloween?

Oh sheesh...YEARS

{three} what’s your favorite candy?Almost anything with chocolate...but all in all I think Reese's Peanut Butter cups..
{four} did you have a favorite costume growing up?Minnie Mouse..it was actually for a homecoming skit in which I was running for queen. I had the entire costume..make up and all. It was close to Halloween though!
{five} did you carve pumpkins this year?Nope. I've actually never carved pumpkins. Maybe next year.
{six} what’s your favorite scary movie?Uuumm...I'm not really into scary movies or horror flicks. I was when I was little. But now...NO WAY! lol The closest I can get is maybe The Nightmare Before Christmas.
{seven} haunted houses or corn mazes?I think mazes because Haunted Houses are cheesy.
{eight} are you superstitious?nope.
{nine} have you ever owned a black cat?I'm not sure actually. My cat now is a dark grey..close enough right?
{ten} what are you plans for this coming halloween?If I'm back in time, trick or treating with the nieces I'm sure. I have no life...so no parties for me. :-(

Wee bit of Mee

Just a wee bit about me...

{one} have you ever crawled through a window?
Yep

{two} what’s one subject that you wish you knew more about?
Probably history or literature...it's a tie

{three} who’s your favorite villain?
I can't say I have a favorite. But the one that pops out is Jafar from Aladdin. I was OBSESSED with this movie when I was little. He always kind of scared me. But I don't do villains. I'm a princess kinda girl. =)

{four} have you ever hit a jackpot on a slot machine?



nope never played.

{five} what is your favorite Disney movie?
I'd have to say Beauty and the Beast. When I was in first grade, we had a costume contest. My mom made me a dress similar to Bell's. Funny thing...my crush...was prince charming. Well to make a long story short, I won the contest...and so did he! Everyone thought we were a couple. hehe We became close buddies after that. =)

{six} if the whole world were listening, what would you say?
I believe in the golden rule. Treat others how you wanna be treated. Respect and trust others, as well as yourself. Love without conditions. Live without expectations because they only lead to disappointment.

{seven} if you could choose one song to describe you or your life, what would it be?
Honestly I'm not sure...I'll have to get back to you on that. =(

{eight} your desk: messy or organized?
Definitely organized. My own purse is organized!

{nine} have you ever had surgery?
When I was four I was mauled by a pit bull. He quite literally tore the flesh off my face and his tooth was a hairline from crushing my skull, therefore killing me. I remember everything! Except the pain. I just remember my body going into shock when the screen door slammed and next thing I know...he's on top of me chomping down. My aunt and uncle eventually got him off me and the only thing I was worried about was where was my mommy! I didn't even cry. Not a tear. lol

{ten} if you could have any animal as a pet, what would you have?
I wouldn't have any kind of wild animal. My grandma has a few..and I would never be able to try to domesticate a wild creature. But cats are my thing. =)

T5

Haven't posted in a bit. I missed it on Thursday, but why not on Friday?! Anywho, here goes.

HAPPY

 

GIDDY

JOY

 

GLEE

THANKFUL

 

 

One
I'm happy this week is over.
 
Two
I'm so excited for this weekend! Sea World on Saturday & my 4 year old niece, Hannah's, birthday party! 


Three
I'm hoping that plans stay & even come better together for my trip next weekend!


Four
Winter is HERE! My favorite time of year! Thanksgiving-Christmas! LOVE IT! Can't wait to get in my winter clothes and take advantage of this snuggly time!


Five
I've been grumpy lately. All yesterday especially. But honestly, I'm thankful for being alive; able to wake up breathing, seeing, and hearing everyday. A new chance to make things right and make better decisions. 

Throughout the business of our lives, we need to take time out and reflect. Be grateful for LIFE. Stop and "smell the roses". If not everyday, try it once a week. I challenge you.

Wee bit of Mee

It's not Wednesday, obviously. But I got it a little late. My internet was down. Anywho, so here's a little about me!

 {one} what is your biggest pet peeve?Judgmental people
{two} what is your favorite dessert?Anything chocolate or strawberry cheesecake
{three} what is the first thing you notice about people?

Their smile

{four} are you usually late, early or right on time?Late
{five} have you ever fired a gun?In high school, I was in JROTC, and fired a rifle!
{six} are you right-handed or left-handed?I'm ambidextrous actually...hehe
{seven} which do you prefer: coke or pepsi?When I drink it, pepsi
{eight} do you dance crazy when no one is looking?NO WAY!!! Ok, maybe...
{nine} what’s your favorite movie snack?popcorn and sour worms
{ten} do you scream on roller coasters?I probably would if I could ride them...I have a heart condition.


Okay, your turn!

Thursday/Friday Five

Here's my Thursday/Friday Five! Just a quick reflect on the past week. Sorry it's late...had issues with the internet the past two days.

Content

Thankful

Adored

Giggly

blessed

 

 

One ~  I am content with who I am. I'm not changing for anyone. I'm being me..Talia. What you see is who you get. 

 

Two ~  I'm thankful for supportive people in my life. I wouldn't make it without you! For the hundred against me, there's one for me. I'm truly grateful for wonderful friends.

 

Three ~  My teddy is the only one I can TRULY count on. One who always listens and doesn't try to fix me. Just hold me through this storm. He gives me courage and strength, all while making me weak at the knees with his wonderful charm! A sweetheart and romantic. And he adores and respects me! I could not ask for better! I look forward to a lifetime of unconditional love from one who'll never betray me. =)

 

Four ~  My nieces Jaylen and Halie are two of the most precious babies EVER! They're so cute and happy. And we love to giggle together. We're a giggly trio when we're together! Jaylen is 2 months and Halie is 6. Even if I'm having a bad day...they always seem to brighten it!

 

Five ~  I'm so very blessed! I feel like Job at times, losing everything and everyone...but I've gained better, trustworthy, relationships. God's timing is perfect. Well it's His divine timing. I've been down for so long and so deep that the only way from here...is up! Looking forward to future blessings!

 

 

There you have it! My Thursday/Friday Five! I challenge you, my readers, to jot down 5 things that have made you feel these words (above) this past week. Go over to Mrs. Gambizzle, grab her button, and link up! It's a rewarding experience. 

 

Comment if you like! I like comments! =) I'll even return the favor...just post your link in the comments!

A new start

So I'm setting up a whole new blog and moving over there. The sailor and I are no longer together. It's much too difficult to just change the name than it would to start a whole new blog. My only issue...I'm usually good at this, but I can't seem to figure out what to call the new blog. Any hints? Just leave your comments below! Thanks everyone!

Thursday Five

Yay it's Thursday! I'm unusually excited about this one for some reason! Maybe because I feel extra giddy today?! 

Hope you enjoy, write your own five things that make you feel these five words listed below, grab the button, and go over and link up!

 Giddy

Jubilant

Ecstatic

Thankful

Giggly

 

 

 One ~ I got a call from my lawyers office! We have sent everything we need so now we're just waiting to hear back now. Ug, I hate waiting! But patience is a virtue.

 

Two ~ I finally got to babysit my newest niece, Jaylen! She's only a couple months old. So adorable and happy! She is by far the perfect baby! She never cries or wines..unless she's super hungry. Jaylen loves to smile and laugh. I love her little laugh! She's so precious. I had her for a good 12 hours...and we had a ball! Of course my fever came back...baby fever that is. 

 

Three~ My divorce was finalized on Tuesday! I'm finally free! I'm now a single woman...sort of. Legally yes. But my heart is most definitely taken. I didn't ask for this nor expect it. There's nothing better than rekindling old friendships, but when one becomes something more...
I'll update this at a later time. Keep checkin' in!

 

Four~  My teddy! I got me a teddy again! I've had a specific teddy bear since I was 9 years old..I'm currently 22. But I left him a ways away so I've been without one for a while. But recently got me another...much better one. He's warming, charming, and perfect. =}

 

Five~ I've been writing again. Poems I mean. I love to write. It's been a passion and talent (so I've been told) of mine since I was a little girl. I feel like a little girl again when I write. It's always been a haven for me. To get lost in the words..in the pen and paper..away from reality.

Nothing more...

Couldn't help but write another.


There’s nothing I want more
Than to see your face,
Hear your voice,
Feel your touch,
Get lost in your gorgeous eyes,
And trace your amazing smile with my lips.

I love nothing more than to lay there and you hold me in your arms.
When you kiss my forehead it sends butterflies in my tummy.
When you whisper in my ear it sends chills down my spine.

There’s nothing more
I shall want or need
Than to hear you say
You love me.

Wee bit of Mee

I know it's officially Thursday, but I had a long day and just getting to my blog. I've noticed this meme going around and I think it's time for you to get to know me a little better! It's called "A Wee bit of Me Wednesdays", by Leigh. Click on the button and check her out! So adorable! I challenge you, my followers, to express yourself a little more each week. I enjoy telling my stories and I hope you delight in them as well!

{one} what is your happiest childhood memory?It's a long one & I apologize... My 9th birthday...party
From waking up to going to sleep. I stayed the night before with my second family (my parents best friends..whom forced all 8 of us kids to become besties as well...luckily it worked, now we are all grown & nearly inseparable). I was lucky enough to get shot-gun on the way to my house! So we're on our way and a couple of the kids start fighting over something. I don't look back because just as I started to, one screams, "Mom! She won't let me hold the rose!" Fail. I ignored it of course. That was a looong ride from WH to Lkld. Well we arrive and just as I open the door to the house, Jason (the oldest) runs around, grabs me, and takes me inside like a groom sweeps his bride off her feet and carries her over the threshold. ;-) To my surprise all my family and friends were waiting for me! To sum this up, my grandmother did the Macarena and I had my first slow dance, with my cousin whom I sort of had a crush on. hehe Got my first horseback ride with my best friend. And a Teddy bear given to me that I still have & goes with me on every trip. I'm currently 22. This was overall the best weekend ever in my childhood life. I remember it like it was yesterday!  {two} what is your middle name?Anne

{three} what’s the habit you’re most proud of breaking?Biting my nails

{four} what do you order when you order Chinese food?Usually Orange Chicken and lo mien noodles

{five} what’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?Recently I thought I hit a gold mine at a neighbor's yard sale! I noticed this worn, damaged, and eye-catching little book of poems by William Wordsworth, The complete Works! It was published in early 1800's! Not only do I admire his work, but I had to have this, no matter the cost! It could be worth something! I rush home to search Ebay, Craigslist, wherever I can find. Paid $5 for it. My profit, if sold: $10. haha!!! Still the best bargain ever!

{six} what’s the best costume you’ve ever worn?Only because my momma made it from scratch, the best costume I have ever had was a princess gown when I was in 1st grade. I was Belle, from Beauty & the Beast. I even had a crown. My crush happened to be a prince. Go figure. This was the day we became good friends. hehe Not to mention we won the costume contest...for cutest outfits & cutest couple! WOOT!

{seven} who’s your favorite game show host?C'mon he's a legend: Bob Barker, of course!

{eight} what’s your favorite breakfast food?French toast and bacon

{nine} what’s your least favorite word?I have two: G_, D_. Read between the lines.

{ten} describe something that happened to you for which you have no explanation.Another lengthy one...
My ex and I went on a date to Mugs & Movies. I don't even remember the movie we saw. I do remember it being PACKED! As it got over, and we got up to leave, we noticed a specific man sitting in the back. We recognized him from 2 years earlier! He recognized us as we passed him outside the theater. He was a homeless man who was very kind & would literally give the shirt off his back to ANYONE. He said a few things to us the night we met him that eventually came true. We just had to talk to him. Lee was his name. We talked for a bit and I wish you could see the glow in his face and eyes as we spent time with him! He also said a few things this night that did eventually come to pass as well. Things we didn't accept until a specific event happened. It was his birthday and he had a couple bucks so he decided to see a movie for himself. Seeing us made his night. Seeing him answered of prayer of mine. Anywho, he asked if we could get him a few things from the store and he'd meet us there. It started to rain almost immediately. Of course we couldn't let him walk in the rain so we gave him a ride. He was so appreciative. As we left, he went his way. Well....when we pulled away and I looked back, he was GONE! Just vanished! We've never seen him since...that was almost 2 years ago. What more can I say to that?! 

okay, your turn!

Sanctum

Another one I wrote...

My mind drifts toward thoughts of you
a million times a day.
You're always here within my heart
you seem to know the way.
An endless craving deep inside.
I need you...oh so much,
To look into those brooding eyes
To feel your gentle touch.
The mere sound of your voice
that makes my spirit soar,
It reaches far into my soul
down to the very core.
You haunt my dreams
a vision so intense,
an apparition,
so sublime no possible defense.
Such joy I can't recall.
Not a single day of  sorrow,
Since we became one.

Because of You

Oh just something I wrote yesterday...thought I'd share it with the world.

I’ve been in darkness for so long just waiting for the light,
And now that you’ve come my way, my days don’t seem like nights.

I’m glad I’m finally overcome my fear of the other side,
Thank you for showing me the way, by taking me on this ride.
You’ve truly touched me deep inside,
You’ve unlocked, opened, the door.

I know it’s nothing serious, but surely it’s a start.
You’ve treated me so equally, I feel it in my heart.

And if this does not work, I’m glad I’ve had the chance,
To see how great you truly are, even just for a glance.

We never know what’ll come of this, it really just depends.
I’m glad we took the first step, in becoming friends.

With you I never have to guess just how you really feel,
You talk to me about the facts and tell me what’s the deal.

With you I feel so comfortable, like nothing can go wrong.
I get this tingly feeling inside, you sing to me like a bird sings a song.

I’m trying to live in the moment, by forgetting about the past,
And so far it’s been working, it’s really been a blast.

So hopefully from this day forth,
I’ll know just what to do,
If ever I come across a guy, another guy, just like you.

I hope I never have to…

I'm free!

Yesterday, Tuesday, was my divorce hearing & the judge granted it! WOOT! I'm now a single gal! Officially! YAY! I'm doing good. Got my best friend by my side and all is peachy! hehe Tomorrow I'll be posting my Thursday five! I'm kind of excited about it. The beginning of my next week. lol Wish I could start it with a job, but not so much luck here...Soon I hope! Anywho, hitting the hay. Just wanted to update. Tootaloo! =)

It's Thursday!!!

Yay it's Thursday again! The beginning of my new week! I tend to go from Thursday to Wednesday now because I look forward to the Thursday five! Woot! Anywho, this is an amazing trend and I think you should hop on the bandwagon! Take the five words listed below and jot down five things/events that made/make you feel each one! Then click on the pic above and link up with Mrs. Gambizzle so others can see it too! 

Our words...

Thankful

Giddy

Happy

Excited

Adored

 

One ~ Tuesday is almost here. My divorce will be finalized and I will be freeee! This has been a real battle and affected my other relationships (with family, friends, even my sailor..which we're no longer together). It's absolutely unexpected and unfortunate. I HATE that this is something we had to go through, but fortunately has also brought me closer to certain others I wish I had been close to all along. I guess I can say that I'm happy about that. 

 

Two ~  I've been numb for so long. About six months now. Recently I've been able to feel again. I put some major heavy duty walls up! But they seem to be non-existent to a certain couple of people. URG. But it's ok. I finally let someone in again and it actually feels pretty good. I don't feel so stressed out. I can breathe again. I'm gonna be alright. And I got my Teddy back! He makes me feel so special, wanted, and adored! I don't believe he'll ever betray me. hehe

 

Three ~  I'm excited for next weekend! Me and my girl are planning a girls night out with a bunch of wonderful ladies! No men, no technology! I so can't wait! Haven't had girl time in a real long time. It's gonna be epic!

 

Four ~  I'm so thankful for the wonders in my life. Wonderful people and a wonderful God. 

 

Five ~  Music always knows my mood. I know, without a doubt, that I'd die without it! 

 

There we go! My Thursday five! Take the challenge..it's a rewarding experience!

Baby Fever

It seems to be an issue in relationships. Baby fever. Say, both want children of their own, biological I mean. But one isn't sure if they can physically have them. Like me for instance. I have PCOS & Endometriosis. I've never really used protection because 1-I'm allergic & 2-I was married, so if it happened, great! Obviously it didn't happen. I'm hurt because all my siblings & most friends have children & I don't. Even now, yet I'm divorced & single, I still have the baby fever. I just love them so much! I was born to be a mommy & I want that so very much! So of course I wonder if it's an issue in a new relationship. He wants children of his own so it's a difficult decision to make: be with me no matter what...or is it too much to bear that we may not have biological children? You know, think about ME & MY feelings here! It hurts me too! Be by my side and we can bear this together. It really should not be an issue. But it is to some people. So to those like me, it really hurts that the "thought" has to be thought about. I'm just sayin. I've seen this come around and felt like I needed to vent it. That's my vent. Comment if you like. Peace!

Psycho Babble

Officially one more week until my divorce is finalized. I'm not sure what to say except I'm hurt & excited at the same time. My "ex" is making me out to be the bad guy and him the victim. WTF?! The crap I went through for him...Anywho, everyday is getting a little harsher. Mainly because certain people are against my decisions. It somehow affects them, which is BS. You tell me not to worry about what others say about me and then turn around and jump on my case..because of what others are saying about me!?! WTH?! I'm sick of the double-standard, babble-bullshit. It's ridunkulous! lol Anyways, this is my own psycho babbling. What's normal anymore?

Thursday/Friday Five

I missed my Thursday five & there were no linky's..so I'm posting my Friday Five. Basically five things I'm grateful for this week. It may seem as a simple task, but it's a real challenge! Give it a try.

1-I suppose TV. I hate to watch it. Since I haven't slept for more than an hour at a time in weeks, it has really helped me just make it through the night. Not really the shows or even the sound...just the light in the room at night.

2-My bestie's awesome! Both of um! One in particular I don't know what I'd do without you, right now! Despite the chaos, you provide me a sense of calm through all this mess. God really knows whom and when to provide certain people in our lives when we need them the most!

3-Getting some headway in my case finally! It's about friggin time!

4-In 11 days, I will officially be single! Finally! It's time to focus on me for once & stop running from my issues. So this is me sticking to my guns and fighting for ME. About time.

5-This weekend is gonna be friggin awesome! Getting out of the house...wedding of a close friend...maybe Sea World!!! WOOT!

So that's my five. I'll try to get back to posting everyday. No guarantees. Peace!

Get ya head in the game...

It's time to post something new. Here's a little of what's going on.

I have a vent. I'm so sick of my mom's BS! I moved back home to start over after a failed marriage (which the divorce will be finalized in less than 2 weeks!), & a broken heart. I'm in a lot of pain, not just physically. I have ONE friend that I can count on & hang out with. A family friend. We've known each other (the families) since I was just out of diapers. Well, now all of a sudden it's NOT ok for us to hang out! WTF?! I finally have someone who I know I will never lose. I mean they have been there all of my life through everything. But now our parents are trying to "nip it in the butt", like something's gonna happen! We both agree that we're not looking for a relationship right now, just focusing on ourselves, & innocent leaning on each other. What's so wrong with that?! My mom has been so nasty towards him that it's unreal! I'm stressed out, having nightmares & terrors every night & day. I don't sleep more than an hour at a time. Literally. He had a really bad breakup from his fiance (now ex-fiance), just as my fiance & I broke up recently. We comfort each other. That's what friends do. But all of a sudden that's so wrong! I don't understand! I don't have anyone else that I can hang out with or count on. I don't have a job yet & no vehicle. I can't get away from this house and chaos. I'm so stressed out and confused. I've lost my mind! My mom is being such a jerk to me! I've done nothing to her to deserve this! I do everything she asks me and then some! I let her push me over & this is the treatment I get?! It's ridiculous! Not to mention she tells me that I'm depressed and need professional help AND drugs! She tells my sister and brother that I can just leave; she doesn't care if she loses me, another child; She's miserable so she'll make everyone else miserable too. WTF?!? I have nowhere to go except the street or states away. I don't want that. I'm in over my head. It'll take me at least a couple of months to get on my feet, on my own. But in the meantime, I have to hang in there. I don't feel like I can anymore. I've lost my will....

On top of this, my bestie went into ICU today due to stress...similar to my situation actually. They diagnosed him with diabetic ketoacidosis (body is full of toxins). He has type 1 diabetes (born with it). Lucky to be alive at 21. Now lucky to be alive after this. He nearly died earlier today. I've been losing friends like flies lately & now this?! Oy Vay! As of right this minute he's still in ICU, but gonna pull through. THANK THE LORD!

Talk to the lawyer today. The offer wasn't enough to cover bills, lawyer fees, & a $50,000 surgery. So I have to send them more records, which they already have, but I'm gonna send them anyways. Lawyer says I have a good chance of doubling their initial offer without having to go to trial. WOOT!

Jason, the family friend, & I went walking today. A habit we are starting to get in shape & get out of the houses & away from the chaos. Today is was around Lake Holingsworth. It's 3 miles. Haven't done that in YEARS! I'm sore, but feel great! Gonna be doing this every chance we get, if not every day. YAY!

That was my vent, with a lil positivity in there. I also took a break from my B90, which is a no-no. So I have started it back up again. Today is officially Thursday (Eastern time) so later I'll be posting my Thursday Five! Woot! I'm getting back in the game peeps! Deuces!

Sorry there are no updates.

Sorry there are no updates. Chaotic few days. Need some time and space. Get back to u when I can...

It's Thursday!!!

Time for Thursday Five! Sorry it's late, but better than never! What better time to not only reflect on the week, but also the day! I love this and am so grateful for Mrs. Gambizzle for sharing this, not to mention she has amazing jewelry!!!! Write your own (5 things that made you feel these words), click on the button, & link up on her blog!

• Main Entry: hap·pi·ness 

Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē-nəs\
Function: noun
Date: 15th century

1: a pleasurable or satisfying experience

• Main Entry: glee 

Pronunciation: \ˈglē\
Function: noun
Date: before 12th century

1 : exultant high-spirited joy

• Main Entry: ex·u·ber·ant

Function: adjective

1: joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic

• Main Entry: proud

Pronunciation: prau̇d

Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century

1: vigorous, spirited 

• Main Entry:  gid·dy

Pronunciation: gi-dē\

Function:adjective

Date: 14th century 

1: lightheartedly silly

 

 

 1~I'm so proud of my sailor! He's my Hero, my knight. Not only does he save lives, but he literally saved mine! That's why he's also my angel. He's a stubborn ass, but on the inside he's all mushy. Patrick is my sweetheart, my cuppie cake! And I'm his princess. 

2~Tomorrow I meet with my "ex" to sign and file papers. Finally! That makes me a little giddy inside! I'll soon to be a "single" woman again. 

3~Also tomorrow, my wittle sister is getting married! So excited for her!

4~I've had a rough, lonely, week. But I'm stronger than I realized. I made it yet another week! It seems my weeks go from Thursday to Wednesday all of a sudden. I look forward to my Thursday Fives! It's like Friday is the start of another week, even though it's the ending of one. So you could say I'm happy about Thursdays!

5~Ice cream fills me with so much glee it makes my tummy hurt! I don't get it often, but when I do I can't stop myself! I love it! I got my ice cream fix and my girlie time fix all in one! It was a gleeful day!!!

Grafted in...

Tonight's sermon was on Romans 11. Being grafted in. Paul is telling the Jews that through Jesus the gentiles have been "grafted in", enabled to receive salvation. As far as I know, I'm not Jewish by blood. So thank Jesus I have received salvation! Forgive me for not being so detailed tonight. Not feeling well, but it's not stopping me from being grateful! Which leads me to:

5 Things I'm Grateful for Today:

1-Jesus, Yeshua, our Messiah! We have been "grafted in" and allowed to receive salvation by His blood! No more sacrifices (literal) or 613 laws/commandments that we have to abide by! Although, we still have the 10 commandments.
2-My best friends. My girl and I are finally back together! It's so hard to talk to a DUDE about your issues, especially female issues. We hung out at Dairy Queen and it seemed like nothing ever happened, except that we are more comfortable with "each other". WOOT! Love you besties!
3-Hindsight is 20/20. We may want to know what's in the future but God says not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow isn't promised. We would just worry and overwhelm ourselves for what's to come. I believe this is why He holds "secrets" from us. God reveals information and blessings to us in His timing. When we are ready. Or when those around us who are to be involved are ready. It's not always about us either. Whoever is part of God's plan for our lives and blessings have to be "prepared" as well.
4-My brothers and sisters. I mean physically not spiritually. I got to spend the day with my oldest brother, whom we call Boogie. It was much needed one on one time. We are the closest out of all 5 of us. We both got out, cleared our heads, and got lots accomplished! Love my brudder! And then my sister and I were able to have a little one on one time as well tonight! Great day with the fam!
5-My sailor sweetie! This is a tough time for both of us, but we will get through. A journey we are on, of re-discovering ourselves, and stronger we will be. Soon we are to become one, but until then, the paths we take are separate, yet lead straight to our heavenly Father...where we will meet again whole, complete, and free.


Night all! Later I will be catching you up on my B90 Journey "Through the Bible in 90 Days" & don't forget it's now Thankful Thursday Five!

Five things I'm grateful for

Five things I'm grateful over the past few days.

1-God's Holy Word. I slacked a few days but am catching up! Today I have been able to lay around and read all day! I love it! Receiving confirmation & learning some new things!

2-Pepto Bismol. Not really. But it does help to push that icky feeling along so you can get it over with.

3-Support. People who understand what I'm going through.

4-My bestie. Who's amazing. I wouldn't be able to get through this time without you.

5-My mommy. She makes all things better when I'm not feeling so good.

What are you grateful for? I challenge you to write down 5 things you are grateful for at the end of each day. It's a life changing experience.

Pajama pants: $10.
Pink fuzzy slippers: $2.
Finding a way to cope with SO separation: priceless.

Catch up time

So this weekend has been interesting. Went to Sea World Saturday with my lovely nieces! They are so cuuute! And apparently it was opposite day for them. The youngest, Aubrey, who's almost 1, is usually a screamer. Hannah, who's almost 4, is usually the happy one. NOT TODAY! Aubrey was the fun one and Hannah was the boo boo baby. But I got some cute pics! All that matters is that I got to spend the day with my babies! Aaaaaand today I am sick. Both allergies & too much sun. Even got blisters on the shoulders. Guess I missed them with the sunscreen. Not to mention I got side tracked from my journey through the Bible in 90 days. Oops. Anywho, just wanted to give a lil update while I had a minute. I'm sure I'll be posting more later tonight.

Keep your head up & stay in the game! We miss our SO's and they miss us too. They'll be home soon. =)

Thursday Five

It's that time again! Thursday! If you don't know what I'm talking about I'll explain. I got this wittle meme from Mrs. Gambizzle. All you have to do is think about everything that made you feel any of the five words below. It's a wonderful way to reflect on the week, in a positive light (given the good, the bad, & the ugly. Write your own, grab her button, and link up on her blog! Let's get more positivity rolling around this blogosphere! 

 

Main Entry: ¹ec·stat·ic 
Pronunciation: \ek-ˈsta-tik, ik-ˈsta-\
Function: adjective
Date: 1590

: of, relating to, or 

marked by ecstasy

Main Entry: ¹gay 
Pronunciation: \ˈgā\
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century

1 a : happily excited : merry

Main Entry: ¹gid·dy 
Pronunciation: \ˈgi-dē\
Function: adjective

2 a : lightheartedly silly

Entry Word: happy
Function: adjective

Meaning: experiencing pleasure, 

satisfaction, or delight

Entry Word: content
Function: adjective

Meaning: feeling that oneʼs needs 

or desires have been met

1~Losing a best friend is never a happy experience. But I'm content with it because I'm moving on from the past. My God is helping me to burn those bridges to the things that hold me back. 

2~Lord I have gained a wonderful support system! I wish I had this during the first deployment! It would've gone much easier! This new found friendship is amazing! God knows when we're hurting and lonely. His timing is perfect, even though to us sometimes it doesn't seem that way. 

3~We've had a LOT of rain lately. But that's what keeps the earth growing. And it has helped me to sleep at night.

4~Both my cat & mom's pooch have decided to cuddle with me again. lol Not the fur I wanna cuddle up to, but they make me feel loved and appreciated!

5~I'm thankful for music. Without it I think I would die. It always seems to know my mood. Nuff said.

Carpe Diem

I've been slacking on my daily grateful rants. I didn't even get to yesterday's journey through the Bible in 90 days. I've been on a lil roller coaster. And I don't do roller coasters. I've been real lonely and weak, and I don't mean physical. My weakest part of the day is the morning. For some reason. It's because I've gotten so used to waking up to someone, everyday. The first underway/deployment I was here, with family, but I slept on the couch...with my nieces usually. I was never alone. But this time that I'm here, I have my own room. My sister and her husband, with the kiddies, moved out. The only one who sleeps with me now is my cat &/or my moms dog. They are cute and cuddly, but not the fur I REALLY wanna cuddle up with! In the words of Johnny Bravo,

"Hey babeh...Check out my fur!"

So today I am seizing the day! Taking my weakness and trading it for strength! WooHoo! This is me catching up. 

5 Things I'm grateful for (since Thursday):

1-God is truly remarkable! He has been revealing soo many things to me! And evoked the fear of God back in me when He spoke through a close friend. We get so caught up in complaining & asking for His blessing, that we forget that He wants to hear us PRAISE him as well. How do you go to your Father? With griping & nagging, or with a thankful & joyful heart?

2-God hears our prayers & knows our future. All we have to do is be patient. If I had seen this coming I would have denied it! When He closes one door, he opens another, better, one. I may have lost a best friend, but I have gained so much more! You're awesome..you know who you are!

3-Social Networking. I have a support system. I'm proud to say that. You have no idea. The first one was really hard for me because I didn't have this. All my ladies are amazing! Thank you!

4-My momma. She is finally in the loop on things with me and let me tell you, it's so relieving! We are extremely tight. Like besties. We're cute. lol

5-I have to say that I fell a little. I ate some junk & had a Dr. Pepper yesterday. I, of course, regret it later. But it was soooo good! Helped me to be a little more grateful of the little things I guess.

What are you grateful for? I challenge you to jot down five things at the end of each day that you are thankful/grateful for that day. It's a life-changing experience.

It's just MALARKY!!!

   Sorry in advance if I offend someone who may read this. Maybe you won't and the apology really isn't needed. But this is my place to vent. I'm torn and need to get it out. 

   So two weeks ago something happened. My girl and her ex have been feuding. And they managed to put me in the middle of their relationship and fight. He said she said bull. I had had enough, pretty much had a breakdown, said I was done. And the other night confirmed it. It's stupid. Childish. Just plain malarky, I tell ya! I am a friend. A shoulder to cry on or vent to. If you ask for my advice, I'm gonna give it. It's your choice to take it or not. I'm honored if you do. I don't give senseless advice. I trust GOD for the right words. I don't appreciate when things are said, that I did NOT say. Or twisting what I DO say. Is a friendship, a sisterhood, really worth losing over lies??? To me it is not. You really choose to believe this malarky of a claim??? Well that's your prerogative.
   These past few months have been some of the hardest in my life. A very vulnerable time for me. Thanks for not being here for me when I've needed you the most, even though I'm ALWAYS here for YOU. No matter what. You know that you've been the ONLY one that I could turn to, 'cause I've had no one else. Yet you choose to live in your lies and pretty much forget about me. MALARKY!!!

    I forgive you and will not forget. Maybe this is God burning another bridge to the past. Time for me to move on.

Time for todays reading!

Journey day 5

Just finished today’s journey.
Day 5.
Pages 49-61.
Exodus 1 - 15.
   Moses led the people out of Egypt and through the Red Sea. They are now free from the Egyptians! WOOT! God is amazing, isn’t he?! When he says, promises, that he’s gonna do something & be specific about it, he does it baby! There’s a passage sticking out to me today. Chapter 13 verses 1-16 is about consecrating the firstborn. Verse 16 says, “It will be like a sign on your hand and a symbol on your forehead that the Lord brought us out of Egypt with His mighty hand.” This is so a picture of the Messiah! We have to have a blood atonement for our sins. Jesus was that lamb. Jesus is the Word and He died so we can have that Word permeated into our hearts and minds. We have to reach out , make that sacrifice of ourselves, and bring His love, mercy, and forgiveness to our lips, our minds, so that we can be “delivered” from the grip of the enemy.
   All day today has been about being healed by the Hand of God. Whether it be in my prayers, worship, or studying His Word. I’ve been feeling real weak the past two days. I don’t mean physically. I’m talking spiritually, emotionally, & mentally. I’ve never had a best friend that has stuck through everything. When something happens, I find out who my true friends are. At a point when I need someone the most, I lose another. The only one I had. Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of “friends”. But none that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I can call anytime and vent or whatever about anything no matter what it may be. One who I am absolutely comfortable with doing that. Trust enough to whole-heartedly confide in. Earlier today I was crying about how I don’t get out. That I have no friends to hang out with anymore because they’ve all deserted me. How can you do that to someone who’s in a vulnerable state?! Anywho, even though I didn’t exactly want to, I picked up my Bible and began reading. Thank God I did! I tend to listen to worship, or any Christian music, while I study…or do anything really! I just so happened to have the TV on Daystar, as well. Every song & sermon that came on hit me like a ton of bricks! Thank you Lord…for humbling me! He spoke to me today in every way that He is here with me. His presence is calming and comforting. Like a little girl who runs to her daddy when she’s scared. I ran to my daddy. The only daddy I’ve ever known, and will ever know. He’s my ultimate best friend who will never let me down. I may not have the fellowship of friends, outside of social networking, but the fellowship I have with Christ is far beyond what we could imagine here on earth!
   If you’re like me, and you’re feeling down and out, hold your head up. Get on your knees. Grab your Bible and your worship music. Praise the God of heaven and earth! He is here! He has us in the palm of His hand. He will never leave, nor forsake us!  He has a calling on us and will open that door to who HE has planned for us to be. It may seem every door is being slammed in our face, but don’t fret, for He has complete control. Remember that LOVE & perseverance conquers all!

The B90

The B90 Days 1-4

So I got my new Bible in! "Through the Bible in 90 Days" Cover to cover in just 12 pages a day. I've never been very fond of the NIV, but I'm liking this! I have my New American Standard along with it. And my KJV. And my references. I seem to be like my gamma...my mom's mom. When she'd sit down to study her Word, she'd have several different versions as well study guides, all around her. So when I study I feel like she's there with me.
I started on Tuesday, August 3rd. Today's the fifth & I know the headline says days 1-4. I couldn't stop so I went two days ahead! But I've gained a lot of insight and even confirmation to a few prayers! And I've only gotten through the first book! 65 more to go! I will try to update each day, but no promises.

Thursday Five

Hey everyone it's Thursday! Time for our Thursday fives...courtesy of Mrs. Gambizzle! Write your own, head on over to her blog, and link up! http://lifeasasailorsgirl.blogspot.com/ This is a perfect way to reflect on the week, whether it was good, bad, or just plain ugly.

Entry Word: happy-go-lucky
Function: adjective

1 having or showing a lack of concern or seriousness

Main Entry: de·light 
Pronunciation: \di-ˈlīt, dē-\
Function: noun

2 : something that gives great pleasure

Main Entry: ec·stat·ic 
Pronunciation: \ek-ˈsta-tik, ik-ˈsta-\
Function: adjective

: of, relating to, or marked by ecstasy

Main Entry: gig·gly
Pronunciation: \ˈgi-gəl\
Function: verb

: to laugh with repeated short catches of the breath

Main Entry: joy 

Pronunciation: \ˈjȯi\

Function: noun

2 : a state of happiness or felicity : bliss

1-Saturday my lovely sailor called! AHHHH!!!! It was all I could do NOT to scream into the phone! I did have a little shriek in my voice though. 

2-Sunday I drove to Jax to see him! I was so excited I didn't sleep, but an hour Saturday night...well Sunday morning. Even though it was a 3 hour drive I managed to stay awake. Especially when he called me! I almost couldn't drive. Those 12 hours with him were absolutely worth it! 

3-I got my "Through the Bible in 90 days" Bible! I'm now on day 5! I can now say that I've read all the way through Genesis..every word! Pretty soon I will have read through the entire Bible! A feat I have yet to accomplish, but will have soon tackled it! Woot! 

4-Church. It's important to fellowship with other "like-minded" people. Surround yourself with those who build you up. And the worship is a million times worth it! We are doing a study through Romans..chapter by chapter. Amazing the things that are being revealed to me.

5-Social networking! I've met new and interesting people through Facebook and blogging. I am not alone in this struggle.