Thursday, July 22, 2010

If only I could be with my sailor right now…

It’s now been a week since Patrick left again. This underway is only a few weeks, hopefully. But when he gets back home, I won’t be there because I’m in Florida. And I’ll still be here when he gets back from his next two underways as well. This totally blows. I miss him so much already! I’m so exhausted. Mentally and emotionally. I have so much going on right now, that I can’t think. And I barely have any support. Nobody else around me understands my pain.

The reason I’m here, originally, was to have surgery on my jaw caused by TMJ from a car accident over a year ago; and to file divorce papers (not from Patrick...just read previous post). Well the money I had saved ended up having to be used. Since my ex-husband and I don’t have any children, property, or assets of any kind, we could be divorced within 2-3 months max. Then, technically, I’d be single again by the end of the year. But most importantly I’d be all Patrick’s! Just in time for the holidays! I hate that we have to go through this. But we did jump into this knowing the hardships. As for the surgery. It was scheduled for August 12th. My lawyer called me today asking to put it off a couple more months! That’s the main reason I came down here so soon! Now I’m going to miss seeing my sweetheart because of lazy asses! URG! I live in pain every single day. I double up on my pain meds because the original scrip doesn’t touch it. According to the lawyer, if I wait, we could settle quicker this way. Then she informed me it was a $45,000 surgery. My original demand was for $100k. She’s talking double that now. Woohoo for me! No, more like Woohoo for them money hungers.

I was also supposed to finish schooling for my Pharmacy Technician diploma. Due to the way the classes are being held I’d have to stay until December in order to finish. I plan to go back to CT way before then. It’s only math, which I don’t particularly NEED. So it’s really not worth it. I have enough knowledge, and the books, in order to challenge the certification exam. But it costs $150...which I don’t have.

I’m stressing out over all this junk, including my family & personal issues. Patrick is the only one who can control my fits. Keep me calm. Relatively sane. I’m not gonna send him emails venting and ranting. He doesn’t need that. Besides, he’s probably not even getting them. He said he’ll be so busy that he won’t be able to email me. Even when he’s in port. Because he’s trying to get qualified. Damn these stupid quals! I’d prefer he get it all done now rather than me never seeing him when he’s home trying to get this done.

I’m trying to keep myself busy in all this mess. It’s simply not working. I just wanna huddle in a little corner and cry until I’m blue in the face. But I can’t. I have to be strong. I feel so weak. I put on a smile & laugh, even though I feel this stabbing pain deep in my stomach & chest. I’ve attached myself to my moms dog, walking her and feeding her and loving on her…and allowing her to sleep in bed with me. Can’t forget my cat as well! I clean the house, re-organize rooms, and stay on face book any other spare moment I have. I have no friends anymore so I don’t go anywhere. I can’t anyways because I have no money and no vehicle. The few friends I do have are in the same boat, or not willing to come to me. So I’m stuck. But I try to hang on. It’s not easy not hearing his voice or getting an email from him. I don’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I have nightmares. I attempt to think of him and happy memories and stuff, but it just doesn’t seem to work.

Sorry I’m venting. I’m having one of those days. I hate PMSing. If only I could be with my sailor right now…

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